DEAR OVERLY SERIOUS DEPRESSED PERSON

 They asked...

Hello Ava K

I have confessions to make.

I have been affected by severe depression since mid-childhood/early teens (then developing other severe conditions over the years). Something bad happened, and misfortune and violence kept pilling up. Now I am left with no friends close-by (not their fault; they move on in life, i don't).

 I have developed into something I and some others which have known me call the "black hole syndrome". You probably heard of this ; like a black velvet cloth, keeping one in depression feeling safe and nurturing death thoughts, while having lost all interest and INSPIRATION towards what he likes/used to like, loved, etc, and lost all hopes. Now it has developed into something admist this aloneness I am in. Like a saw, it wants to eat me up. I am completely lethargic and don't want to do anything anymore. BUT i want to get rid of it. I have to rid of it NOW. Because I am going to die if i don't. I do have medical/professional help but i feel that only ME can do this.

One of the reason I have not gotten out of it is that things have failed, people only stayed for a brief moment then left, i keep losing my job every year due to lack-of-work (i.e. not enough work/clients/inflow/activity to keep me) (currently jobless), some of my medication has caused me physical problems, and etc etc etc. And things don't develop. I'm at rock bottom. I'm afraid of the sun. I don't want to talk to others because I feel that the "black hole" will eat them up.

I never knew how to reach to people and get to know new people either. I have no idea. People seems to meet others and find new friends or whatsoever. I just don't know how to.

So INSPIRE me. Tell me it's going to be worth it to bake in the winter sun instead of having curtains drawn 24/7. That i can get out of it. That this year is not just gonna be another roll of the wheel of suffering, which will bring me back to nothing. That i will be able to feel joy. That i can be loved, and that i can love.

Hard one.. huh.. wow i dont even know why i'm writing this.

I ANSWERED:

Your topic here isn't as hard as you think, and it is very good that you asked.

Becasue its not as bad as it feels.

its very good that you feel this way.

This is what us here at the MT CONVENTUS

call

FIFTH GRADE DEATH BED STYLE

do not misunderstand me, this is not good or healthy to be in the state you are in...certainly this Condition must be changed...here is a video of me in a similar condition

First let me award you with some medals.

Just be proud of who you are. Youve been through a lot, and thats not your fault.
Let me also tell you besides depression, you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
so look into that for some validity.
I assure you, if i was not personally familiar with the conditions you are describing, I would not be qualified to answer you inspiration needs, yet indeed I am familiar.
Indeed I am. Yes friends, Ava K, with her athoritiative and impressive inspiration desk is no stranger to hiding in a closet crying...
Just to brush the surface.
Lying in bed dispondent...
untimed amounts of time.
Feeling the presence of angels as her breath weakens and slows in despair. 
Boy have I ever...hey, may happen again.
depression is proven to be insidious, suffer it once....you may suffer it again. And probably will be worse the second time.
Read LINCOLNS MELANCHOLY
very good book...in someways, depression is a safety zone for people who have had it. It is not safe, not at all, but it is more reliable than most things...people...places...what have you. even in the way you described your BLACK HOLE SYNDROM
you used words that have a safe cozy feeling such as VELVET, NURTURING,  SAFE
but lets get real, you dont actually feel safe at all.  here is a little bit of blake to back up this death couch idea.

"The Fallen Man stretchd like a Corse upon the oozy Rock
Washd with the tides Pale overgrown with weeds
Two winged immortal shapes one standing at his feet
Toward the East one standing at his head toward the west
Their wings joind in the Zenith over head
Such is a Vision of All Beulah hovring over the Sleeper

The limit of Contraction now was fixd & Man began
To wake upon the Couch of Death he sneezed seven times
A tear of blood dropped from either eye again he reposd
In the saviours arms, in the arms of tender mercy & loving
kindness

Then Los said I behold the Divine Vision thro the broken Gates
Of thy poor broken heart astonishd melted into Compassion & Love
And Enitharmon said I see the Lamb of God upon Mount Zion
Wondring with love & Awe they felt the divine hand upon them"


its like hiding from the nazis, you may feel safe to be hidden, but you are still hiding from the nazis.
I am glad you have medical and professional help, but youre right, that isnt ENOUGH
you have the power,
but you dont have the power to be happy right now.
Here at the mt conventus,
We dont encourage unrealistic goals in real time.
youve got to be in it to win it.
and you cant shake off the rotten rags of memory with out...SHAKING.
you need to shake my friend. Shake rattle and roll.
As an aside, you should probably do some physical therapy. You should do some heavy jumping and kicking and lots of falling and spinning.
Everyday. best as soon as you wake up, so your brain is still too sleepy to reject the idea of jumping and flailing...fo 15 minutes.
Your body needs to start participating in this Battle you are fighting. You really need it as a ally.
this Cold war you are waging.  you have to choke that depression and deny its circulation. its bad blood.
YOu have to be a warrior.
You do.
you simply have to be a warrior.
this quote i put into one of my inspiration newsletters, ....
"When life is victorious, there is a birth; when life is thwarted, there is a death. A warrior is always engaged in a life-and-death struggle for peace."

--Morihei Ueshiba
Founder of Aikido

 you said:

Something bad happened, and misfortune and violence kept pilling up. Now I am left with no friends close-by (not their fault; they move on in life, i don't).

i have to break it to you,
i really hate to because its really terrrible news.
Bad things happen.... A LOT
in fact, it could be entirely possible that Only bad things happen.
now the problem here is, not bad things happening...ive already broke that news,
BUT THE PILE YOU SPEAK OF
that pile, is your mind.
THAT pile is your mind.

Only you can prevent forest fires.
here is a little excerpt from Blake to help prove my point.



All that can be annihilated must be annihilated, that the Children of Jerusalem may be saved from slavery. There is a Negation, & there is a Contrary: The Negation must be destroyed to redeem the Contraries. The Negation is the Spectre, the Reasoning Power in Man: This is a false Body, an Incrustration over my Immortal Spirit, A Selfhood which must be put off and annihilated alway. To cleanse the Face of my Spirit by Self-examination, To bathe in the Waters of Life, to wash off the Not Human, I come in Self-annihilation & the grandeur of Inspiration: To cast off Rational Demonstration by Faith in the Saviour; To cast off the rotten rags of Memory by Inspiration; To cast off Bacon, Locke & Newton from Albion's covering, To take off his filthy garments & clothe him with Imagination.

just to be clear, I am not trying to bring Religion into this, it is purely abstract... when Savior is refered to.
the fact is transcendance through imagination
I APOLOGIZE spell check isnt working at all.
anyway.
lets proceed,
i am in no need to make this advice note short.
its meant to be long and useful.
in a dynamic way.
i quote you again.

Now I am left with no friends close-by (not their fault; they move on in life, i don't).

Hate to break it to you, BUT your friends moving does not mean they moved on in life.

In fact, no offense to your friends, anonymous,

but theres a good chance they are all assholes anyway.

No offense,

im just saying chances are good.

How about you watch this video about comparing.

Comparing is BAD for you.

SO this is another POINT for you my depressed compatriot.
ALthough you may not be choosing your battles right now,
YOu need to start seperating you battles
instead of PILING THEM
into one delicious pile (sorry, that is an inside joke that you wont get.)

but let me tell you, its funny.
on a similar note,
YOu should listen to some of me and tesla music,
especaily the last track on the player, you will have to scroll down.
http://www.myspace.com/toothay
i am telling you to listen to that music because a lot of it came out of some serious depression.
you really are not alone,
although addmittedly
you are entirely alone

remember what i said about UNREALISTIC GOALS



there , right here is a picture i made about my terror as a depressed person.
Depression has a certain beauty  when it is done authentically
BUT it really need not repeat itself.
not only is it something that needs to end, but its something that needs to be TRANSFORMED into joy.
let me quote you, somewhat out of sequence of adessing all your points.

I have to rid of it NOW. Because I am going to die if i don't.

sorry friend and compatriot, 

you cant get rid of it now. that is an unrealistic goal MATTER CANNOT BE CREATED OR DESTRYOED

WHAT IS MATTER NEVER MIND WHAT IS MIND NO MATTER

i cant get rid of this muther fucking yellow highlight.

MUTHER FUCKER
LETS SAY this yellow highlight symbolizes depression.

it is still here.

ok i got rid of it, but it took a lot of work.

And i cannot erase it in the places it was meant to be.

YOUR DEPRESSION is part of your experience as a human. you need to start using it as a tool instead of endlessly condemning it and condemning yourself for it.

If you didnt know depression, there is a fuck lot you wouldnt know about life as a human,

SO how about getting on with the show

YOU really need to get a sense of humor about how pathedic you are,

at lease now and then.

its true, YOu may die because of depression,

BUT lets also consider, inevitably you will die ANYWAY.

so lets not make depression the star in this show, YOu actually are the host.

to this disease.

And the host of the show.

Im sorry you dont have any friends.

I actually know that feeling, it really sucks.

But really you probably will get some. You probably just keep wanting to be alone and are  not really getting in there and...

Friends are so lame sometimes. You could definately get some.

i have a couple really good freinds, but the truth is, there is always gonna be a lot of time where your friends are busy.

Especailly if youre not lame and trying to smother yourself with other people so you have no time to think about how much you hate life.

That being said,

you should make an effort to either make friends or reconnect with your friends.

You may not enjoy the process at all, you are really sick in the head right now, so... consider it medicine.

YOu have to swallow some friends everyday.

Lets replace the word Friends with People even

depression doesnt have to be a big secret weight on you it can be a fact.
Hey, im really depressed sometimes.
sometimes i hide and cry,
NOT that big of a deal.
Most people can relate to that, although, they may not know the depth. Dont make it the elephant in the room. Its just a part of your experience, Like being a synchronized swimmer.
Sychronized swimmers have spent a long time in the water just like you spend a lot of time in the dark rivers of your mind.
its really touch and go rebuilding yourself from this hole you are in.
there are ups and downs. you have to build the ups with DILIGENCE and Perseverance.
you have to step outside yourself to start stepping outside your shadowy hole.
The shadowy hole may still exist next to the atomaton you will be using to rebuild your life.
You have to drag yourself through some things. you have to give up.
You cant work against your depression,
you have to drag it along for the ride as you start to leave your house and try new things.
As you continue to persevere pieces of your depression will break off your back .
YOu need ot make room for the spirit to move through you.
MAKE ROOM.
create emptiness.
an empty cup must be filled,
your cup runneth over.
you may have to volunteer for some things until you get a job.
there is useful work for you to do, maybe doing it for free will feel good. YOu are not a slave.
so do it for free.
When you have lost interest, you are not interested,
when you are interested you have Found interest.
Interest is a process of doing, not an abstract idea.
you need to make a to do list.
but for the first list, make sure you put a lot of things on it.
everything.
you need to write EVERYTHING you should do and put it on that list.
YOU NEED TO divide and conquer.
divide your problem into smaller segments for freedom of action.
FIND the practical goals within the unrealistic expectations.
Pick one topic then write a step by step process of how to achieve that one thing
Find some holes of information?
do research, all of a sudden, you are interest because you are Expressing self interest, interest in the progression of yourself.

oh my god,
this sentence kills me, you really are funny sometimes.
I don't want to talk to others because I feel that the "black hole" will eat them up.

you need to stop giving yourself so much credit. or is it that you want your depression to eat people. Thats ridiculous.  You need to lighten up. You really do. DONT TELL ME YOU CANT you need to lighten up. YOur depression is no more important than an old shoe at this point. Are you also afraid your old shoe will destroy your loved ones? Yes im sure it smells bad....But who fuckin cares.
how about not making your friends smell your old shoe.
Just becasue you need to talk about your old shoe sometimes, doesnt mean you need to make other people wear it.
Try acting a little. Once and i while would it KILL you to tell people youre having a great day even though youre not.
Just try lying a couple times.
You may start believing yourself.
YOu obviously know the depression card...why dont you try a few new tricks.

And things don't develop. I'm at rock bottom. I'm afraid of the sun.

Do things not develop...or perhaps are you not developing???
Geuss what, you know Post traumatic stress often keeps people in the same emotional mindset as the age they were when they first expereinced the trauma.
The trauma may not be a specific event, even an episode of depression may be the problem.
Sorry about the tough love, but people have told me the same fucking thing about the same fucking thing, and they were right.
In your state of deperession your emotional deveolpent is regressive.
YOu need to take control of your emotional maturity. You keep blaming other people adn circumstances. GUESS WHAT, life is all one big circumstance. isnt that HILARIOUS. ;

 One of the reason I have not gotten out of it is that things have failed, people only stayed for a brief moment then left, i keep losing my job every year due to lack-of-work (i.e. not enough work/clients/inflow/activity to keep me) (currently jobless), some of my medication has caused me physical problems, and etc etc etc.

I need to ask you, do you know the difference between a reason and an excuse.
All the things you are saying are true, they are real.
They may be the reason for your experience, but they are devolving into excuses you use.  to not progess as a person.
anyway.
a lot of humanity is unemployed right now. your in massive company, so that cant be your Excuse.
BACK TO WHEN YOU SAID you are afraid of the sun and at rock bottom

If you are afraid of the sun you need to callenge it to a duel.
YOu reallly jsut have to duel the sun.
You need to start fighting it. you need to go outside and really harass it.
all the bullying it has done to you.
all the unfairness.
YOu know what else.
I know a lot of people who have said they have hit rock bottom, and you know what.
THEY WERE LYING>
they were lying.
I dont know if you are lying or not.
i have no reason to believe you are telling the truth,
but if in fact you have hit rock bottom, that means YOU are going to have to MAKE some changes.
that means diligent effort.
that means self sacrificial change.
its gonna be scarey,
more scary than the sun,
MORE pungent than the sun of god.
YOu must go through the desert my child.
monkey on the back will claw at your face until it Dies from the sheeer impossiblity of your walk.
i dont believe you when you say this,

I never knew how to reach to people and get to know new people either. I have no idea. People seems to meet others and find new friends or whatsoever. I just don't know how to.

I really just dont believe you.
HONESTLY,
i dont believe you at all. I think you do know how to reach people.
you need to listen to this song.



by writing this letter, you reached out to me, and that is why i dont believe you.
You know how to make an effort. you need to reach out in the darkness and someone will reach back, you just dont know who or when. but they may need YOU. so you need to reach out.
why do you think i decided to write an inspiration advice newsletter.
I did that because i needed to reach out.
Success is not a measurable thing.
IT doesnt exist any more than Failure does.
success and failure are both incredible myths that can be very hurtful.
did the universe and all reality really Succeed in being created.
Not really
 Not at all.
You need to start fucking around a little and making a fool of yourself a bit.
FOR FUN
maybe you should buy a disguise and walk around dressed liek someone else.
im serious.
You should .
now this,

So INSPIRE me. Tell me it's going to be worth it to bake in the winter sun instead of having curtains drawn 24/7. That i can get out of it. That this year is not just gonna be another roll of the wheel of suffering, which will bring me back to nothing.

No offense, but, I refuse to inspire you on demand. it is a free will type thing. I feel like it. But ultimately, although I dont believe in self help and refuse all cahoots accusations,
I cant do shit for you.
I refuse to tell you it's going to be worth it to bake in the winter sun instead of having curtains drawn 24/7.
thats really not my style.
if i were to be a cheer leader its because i want to jump around do cartwheels, not because i give a shit about the football team.
YOU TELL ME,
its your life.
Is it worth it to do what youre doing? Is it worth a MOTHER FUCKIN DIME?
At this point you are just being difficult. You are refusing to adapt to changes in your life.
thats all it is.
If darwin was here, which he is, he would tell me to tell you TO jsut do it already,
get it over with,
YOu are not showing you have what it takes to adapt to the climate of the world.

but also, there is a reason why depression has continued through evolution.
read this....
SOME USEFUL THINGS ABOUT DEPRESSION SCIENTIFIC AMErICAN

so why dont you start using the evolutionary advantage you have of being a dynamic person who is willing to tak on a challenge rooted deep in their existance.
you can recover like a miracle baby, never should have lived past 3!!
If you want to do the same thing over and over again you can,
or you can be a warrior and get over yourself.
make the steps to change, against all you are feeling about worthlessness.
what is worthless is the repitiion

That i can get out of it.

youre actaully not in anything, it is all an illlusion. its a REAL illusion.

That this year is not just gonna be another roll of the wheel of suffering, which will bring me back to nothing. That i will be able to feel joy. That i can be loved, and that i can love.

SORRY old buddy.
LIFE IS SUFFERING
thats what the buddah would say.
i am not gonna be the one to lie to you about that, us here at the MT Conventus dont believe in glorious lies.
The karmic wheel will turn, that is not up to me to deny. If you are going with the wheel OR waiting for it to crush you is something you need to choose.
You have lost your sense of adventure.
Life is an adventure.
If the oddesy was a nice story without perils, no one would read it or think it was interesting,
and you are making yourself Boring, with your lack of humor.
If you want to feel joy, you are gonna have to show some skin,
and if you want to love, you need to start GIving people things.
Im serious.
Start giving people things.
presents, love, notes. FAVORs.
you ahve to start giving, start giving without expecting things in return.
YOU will be disapointed, the more you expect.
you need to set yourself up for some surprises.
Shit Sucks SORRRY
you dont have to suck
You can change.
Your truth an imagination is the light that you can use to illuminate the unknown.
That is all you can and should do right now.
YOU have nothing to lose.
So stop acting so scared of loosing it.
you already lost it.

That is the word.

Truly
Ava K inspiration.
The exquisite IV