Let's "JUST" be friends.

"Dear AVA K k k boom,

Thanks for the inspiration, really wonderful. 

I would love to get some feedback from you on something that's been nudging on my shoulder. 

Sitch: I used to love a boy. Then we both abandoned each other. He moved back to New York 2 years later. I feel like we both changed but slowly we are becoming familiar friends again. Now I find myself becoming attracted to him romantically again. BUT i know he's not enough for me and I am not enough for him, but I can't help but want to try things out again. AVA K, how do i discipline myself to not double dip. I find that I am weakening to nostalgic notions. Give me some of your perspective! 

PS. Do you believe in Hoodoo?

Best,

BRO's Friend

Dear Bro's Friend (Sassy Muffin), 

You Sassy Muffin, you. 

First off, let me say THANK YOU and YOU'RE welcome (for the inspirational newsletter). I feel about my news letter much like some people may feel about the cookies they leave out for Santa. The cookies aren't quite as good as the gifts he's gonna give them, but they are what they can give that they know Santa will eat. Just seeing Santa's teeth marks creates a lot of satisfaction...yeah. Back to the advice, unless you have more to say about Santa's teeth?

Ok so, this is the story. You two got together, it didn't work out, now he's back...and you don't know what to do. You say the two of you,

 "aren't enough for each other."

What does that mean?

hmm? Muffin?

It seems like for whatever reason that you know the "RIGHT" answer is to not date this friends of  yours...let's call him "GRASSY GROVE". Right? You do realize if you thought you should be dating him you probably wouldn't be emphasizing to me the fact that you shouldn't. Right?

Why would you tell me that you shouldn't be dating him if you should be? That would be totally wasted energy for you, MUFFIN.  

MUFFIN, you don't think you should be dating him, do you now? Why? Maybe you just know that what didn't work before will not work again. Maybe you don't actually like him like that. Maybe he's a "playa" and your a "playa hayta"?

hmmm?

Anyway, you, you CRAZY MUFFIN, chose the outcome of this advice. You decided you should be not dating this man we call "GRASSY GROVE"      

  NOW WAIT 

now wait Muffin.

Are you mad I told you you can't date him?

Are you thinking, "She is wrong, I want to date him."

If that is the case, HOT MUFFIN, then I think you should date him. Date him. Who cares? If the two of you want to date each other, then date. Oh course if you want to date him and he doesn't want to date you back, THINGS COULD GET WEIRD. But don't you hate when people live their lives afraid of "things" getting "weird"...I mean, really, what could be more pathetic. I spit in the velcro shoes of all those people who don't want things to "get weird". 

It's an unreasonable goal, to avoid things getting weird...(you know how I feel about unattainable goals; don't make them) and avoiding the weird often just makes the world weirder, this need to control how normal the world appears (is pure evil) .


 I don't want to lose my arm. THAT would be WEIRD to have one arm...right?


 But let's face it, GOODNESS FORBID, if I did lose my arm, there would absolutely nothing weird about it. Having one arm would be PURE ReALITY. So, that being said, if you decide you want to date your friend, that is what you really REALLY want, and you know it is the best choice for you, it is your obligation to try.

NOW IF YOU KNOW YOU don't really want to date your friend (read on)...

Listen, please. 

I feel your pain actually. I have Several of just about the greatest guy friends in the WORLD. My friends have been and persist to be 5 millions times nicer to me than ANY man i have ever dated. How could I not be in love with at least 20% of my best guy friends? How could I not intermittently question if I should just UP AND MARRY THEM.  I mean, I already love them. RIGHT? We already are best friends, right?

WRONG!

See, that would be wrong, but it is hard to describe why it is wrong. 

It wouldn't be WEIRD, it would just be...not right. There is no logical reason why I should not date my best friend(s). I just know I shouldn't. 


There's lots of things I COULD DO. I could Buy and ANT FARM. 

DO you know you shouldn't?

Then don't.

Here is the good part. If a time comes when you know you should date him, you can! IF he wants to too.  See! that's so cool ! 
We call this principal the COALITION OF THE WILLING

now we get to the part where we tell you how NOT to date your friend.

"AVA K, how do i discipline myself to not double dip? "

You're right. It is a kind of discipline...and there are ways that you can abide your notion and think about dating him Less often (although you may always question your love, THAT'S OK). 


It's like murder, just because you CONSIDER murdering someone certainly doesn't mean that you should (or ever would) murder that person. Let's keep you in the safe zone where you fleetingly think of dating GRASSY GROVE, but the impulse never truly tempts you.

Sorry to say, you need to keep your distance from GRASSY GROVE for a while. You and him need less one on one time together in which the love bacteria may grow. It may seem unfair to separate yourself from your love, but it's true this must be done. There needs to be distance between the two of you for a while. Let the winds of heaven dance BETWEEN YOU...If you treat him like he's your boyfriend, then it's no wonder you are confused about him.

1.  Answer his call/texts/love poems less often. JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE until things cool off. 

WHY?

Because friends don't answer each other all the time! It's not a big deal. Or delay your response for longer than you would naturally do. This isn't to punish anyone. This is just to cool the heat between the two of you. 

       2. Don't hang out with him one on one for a while. One on one hanging out is intense for people who have a spark between them. Instead, hang out with him in groups. 

Even one other person being there will calm the stormy love seas.

    3. Date someone besides him. 

Date someone besides your friend "GRASSY GROVE". If you are interested in someone besides him, while hanging out with "GRASSY GROVE" you will be able to put him back in the FRIEND category.  If you are really ready to draw boundaries...this one will hurt a little....
"OUCH!"
"all better."

4. Talk about the person you are dating in front of "GRASSY GROVE".

I've been there girlfriend, and I know that this number 4 step....works really well. 

It makes it real for the both of you and it puts you all in your place. 

a last resort may be 5. TALKING to your friend about the romantic chemistry you have been thinking about and telling him that you have some feelings for him BUT don't want to act on it.

It's kind of a strange level of honestly (because people are often so dishonest) but it is a flattering and honest way to reveal your feelings. It's a nice way to put it all on the table if you want to go that route.

As time rolls by, using these strategies and making up your mind...

If you have tried to abide your "just friends" impulse and you still feel compelled...

just date him. 

It won't be so bad a thing to do. 

BUT whatever you do, 

Make sure you read my newsletter. 

Muffin, 

You're a great gal. 

and we get to the bonus question....

PS. Do you believe in Hoodoo?

Oh dear Muffin. 

What a provocative question. 

I don't believe in HOODOO. 

I don't really believe in anything. 

But I believe in David Bowie...and I believe in you. 

And I believe that what we believe in HOLDS POWER. 

So, if I were to decide to believe in HOODOO....

and you decided to date your best friend.....

I know we would all still be just fine. 

MUCH LOVE
truly

AVA K