Dear Ava K,
I started a new job 3 weeks ago, teaching private preschool at a country club. My immediate supervisor is a personal trainer in the fitness department.
I have cool hair and I wear it many different ways. This is partially because I have a long commute and no time to blow-dry every day. Anyway, Feri, my supervisor, has a need to comment on my hairstyle almost every day. It is always a compliment:
"I like your two buns!"
"I like your little piggies!"
I know her motive is to say something nice. But her constant assessments make me feel conspicuous, self-conscious, and judged. When I do my hair in the morning I think about what she will say! I kind of dread seeing her, and I'm afraid I'll get overannoyed and pop off with some flip remark that will sound snarky.
Whether the solution is finding the right thing to say to her, or finding the right way to think about her comments, I am on board! You are great at advice! Tell me what you think please!
Dear Inspiration Victim,
My first reaction was to think..."Well, you should just ignore her."
Then I thought, well, your problem is that you can't ignore her. She is bothering you and, in her own way, she is insulting you. No matter what you do, she is noting it, and there is something invasive about that. Maybe you are just feeling self conscious, either way, you can get her to mind her own hair. Its hair-do able.
I commend you for being patient while you find out some way to deal with this rather than snarkiness, although, every now and then, who can help but be snippy. If this bit of advice I give you doesn't work...maybe you should just be a little bitchy and let her know what's up. Its not that big of a deal.
I can relate to your problem in my own way. I once had a job that was very image conscious and sometimes my manager would send me to the bathroom to change my outfit, fix my flyways, or put on different shoes. I felt like a human extension of her own OCD. It made me feel inhuman. I feel like you are feeling similar; like her compliments aren't complements but knee jerk reactions that are jerking you the wrong way.
I have thought of this strategy for you to use, and even if it doesn't "work", I think that it will empower you.
Next time she comments on your hair, which will probably be the next time you see her (based on what you told me she doesn't miss a style) be her mirror. Every time she compliments you, compliment her right back on something really specific--something that catches her off guard. Don't just tell her you like the color of her shirt, tell her her earlobes are a pleasing shape.
"I'm glad you like my pigtails. I have to tell you, your earlobes are a really pleasing shape."
The next day she compliments you, pick another awkward compliment, and deliver it as sincerely as possible.
"Yes, thank you for noticing my bun. I am noticing that the size of your necklace really makes your eyes look big."Keep this up. Soon she will realize every time she fires you a compliment, the lens is going to be pointed right back at her. Now remember, make the compliments you give her really specific. Make her feel really looked at.
I think that after a few run ins, that strategy will work. If that doesn't work, you can also try to combat her compliments by putting her to the challenge.
"I noticed you like my hair almost every day. How about after school I teach you how I do my hair styles. Maybe you want to try them out one day. Here, take my phone number. Let's do a hair workshop."
If her hair isn't long enough to style tell her you will teach her how and she can do it on her nieces. Something silly like that. The idea is to make her think that if she obsesses over your hair, you are going to make her accountable for loving it. If she loves your hair that much, let her prove it. Chances are she will shy away from the topic in the future to avoid going to your hair academy.
Last ditch effort...after you try all the other options, tell her you actually have hair plugs. Tell her you have female pattern baldness and that these are the styles where it shows the least. You wish that you could wear your hair down but you are too worried the baldness may show. Ask her if she has noticed her bald spots. Chances are she will shy away from your hair in the future.If none of that works--just tell her you appreciate her compliments but compliments make you feel uncomfortable and it would be better for you if she didn't comment. She will probably feel awkward to be called out but, she will get over it quick. You can say it in a nice way.
That's it.
I totally solved your problem.
I can be sure, one or all of these methods will work.
Now go forth inspired.
Truly
Ava K Lovemaker
Keep Rocking that Hair on the DL
